Being Seen Only As My Disability
Counseling Corner with William Montgomery, MFT
Question: My sister has never been able to see me as anything other than my disability. She takes every conversation we have back to what I “can’t” do vs what I can. Every comment she makes, every gift she gives relates to “helping” me. After years of suffering, I have learned to accept my limitations and am enjoying life with my friends, children and grandchildren.
How can I respond to someone that only sees polio affected limbs when they think of me?
Bill Montgomery’s Response: To not be seen for all you are is certainly frustrating. On one hand, you know that your sister is caring and probably means well. On the other hand, her treating you in ways that do not recognize all of you is frustrating and probably hurtful.
What to do? Let's begin by recognizing that this pattern of hers may go way back to your childhood together, and that she feels a need to help. For you today, however, you want to be treated as at equal in your own right. You probably want to be seen as the determined, devoted, family oriented person you are, who has purpose and more. Not knowing you or her, I can only provide suggestions. Perhaps you have already tried each of these. Nonetheless, I suggest you try again, and that you are as clear and calm in talking with her as possible, so she has the best chance of actually hearing you.
First, I suggest that you ask her to sit with you for a few minutes to talk. Then tell her your intention of talking, which is probably that you simply want her to hear you; and to understand. Also tell her what you appreciate, which is probably:
That you do appreciate her caring and thinking of you.
Then explain that you want to be seen as a regular person and appreciated for who you really are.
She may push back, saying she does, indeed, see you, all of you. Tell her that she may think she honors the real you, but that is not how you hear it. No arguing here. It is simply not how you hear it.
Perhaps hold hands as you talk. Also, in the future, if she begins to fall into the negative side at some point, can you simply say, “Sis, please be careful here”.
The most important point here is that you own your perceptions, your feelings. In other words, she may not mean or intend what you are perceiving, but you do experience feeling treated ‘less than’ (or whatever your feelings are). You have to own that you feel that way. Point it out to her that she may not mean it, but you feel it. This is not only ‘your truth’, but also avoids, hopefully, her thinking that you are calling her a ‘bad’ person, or that you are attacking her. By having her understand that you feel unseen or diminished, you can have shorter and kinder conversations with her in the future as you kindly, firmly, say “stop”.
Finally, if she cannot stop, or reduce her behavior much, work on accepting . . . and at least in part . . . that she has some strong need, and that she may well see all of you, yet, she has a strong need to help where she can.
All the best, Bill Montgomery