“My Grandchildren May Not Be Vaccinated”
Question: "My children don't want to vaccinate my granddaughter. My son has never known a mother who wasn't disabled from polio.
My husband had the measles as an early teen - it was awful. His mother always talked about how sick he was. I don't know if I'm heartbroken or furious. How do I address this with them?"
Dear Reader,
A child . . . any loved one . . . not being vaccinated can be scary and upsetting. It can, certainly, lead to arguments . . . which are usually to no avail. The person deciding against a vaccination does not, as you know, change their mind because someone argued with them. So, what to do?
First, be aware that this is an emotional issue for both people. The one that refuses has some fear, probably, that harm can eventually occur due to something they do not trust if the vaccine is given.
(Note here that Fear and Mistrust are both emotions), and the person insisting has a fear, most likely, of harm happening if the vaccine is not given. In fact, neither person can know if they are correct. There can be science pointing one way or the other, but for any one person, no one knows for sure. Probabilities, yes, but not certainty. So, this is not a certainty-based argument. It is emotionally-based, as are most arguments.
So, the first step is to be Aware. Aware of your own emotions around this situation. If the vaccine is not planned for the child, then most likely you are experiencing concern (or even fear), and a feeling of being dismissed or unheard. Perhaps more. And, of course, you would likely be feeling frustrated or angry. The frustration and anger are actually the result of the fear and feeling dismissed . . . they drive the frustration/anger. These are all understandable emotions for you to have.
The next step is to Ask to hear their concerns. Be curious. Hear their fears without judging them. Seek to understand before being understood. The underlying key concept here is to seek to deeply understand . . and thereby validate . . . their emotional mind-set that is driving their frustrations and fears. Validating their emotions is not the same as agreeing with their view of the science of vaccines, but rather validation is letting them know that you understand that they have fears . . . as you do.
After hearing them, and expressing that you understand, ask to be heard. Speak from inside of yourself, expressing your emotions around this and expressing your own experience. You can't know that you are absolutely right . . . even though science is on your side . . . that your daughter or son should or must have their child immunized. Because you can't tell exactly what is going to happen. You have your fears and you do have your experience. You can start sentences with ' I ' or 'me' or 'my' and not with 'you’ . . . as in 'You should . . . '. Express, for example, that you are afraid for your granddaughter and it scares you if they are not vaccinated, and you're not telling them what to do but you're confused because you don't see any evidence of a problem with vaccines but you see lots of evidence of problems when there are not vaccines . . . so you're confused but it does not mean they are wrong.
In other words, the beginning of a productive discussion begins with each party feeling that their concerns are accepted as legitimate to them. That each person feels heard and understood. Not about right or wrong, but about each person feeling validated in having fears and concerns and confusion. This can be difficult for people to practice at first.
Once each party feels really heard and understood, the door is . . . or hopefully is . . . open for each to have a discussion of what can be done. What most often helps is that once each person feels deeply heard and understood, this can be more powerful than the subject itself. So, each party can be more open to considering options and compromises, or to talk to a doctor together . . . and many more possibilities.
These are not easy discussions, especially since we are not practiced or experienced at having discussions about our emotions . . . yet our emotions are largely in charge of all we do . . . so it is best to learn and practice these new skills.
Good Luck . . .